Despite the ever-increasing media coverage of transgender people, our world is unfortunately still not an easy place to grow up as a transgender child or teenager. Most parents, daycare centres and school teachers don't know much about gender diversity in children. Some people still believe that gender interests in children are "wrong" and should not be tolerated, let alone accepted. In fact, many still think that gender identity can be learned or chosen. But where does that leave the adolescent transgender people whose joy of life and self-esteem depends on how they find their way in society?

Gender basics

Children are not born knowing what it means to be a boy or a girl; they learn it from their parents, older children and others around them. This learning process starts early. Once a doctor or other health care provider declares - based on observation of the newborn's external sex organs - "it's a boy" or "it's a girl", the world around a child begins to teach these lessons. This means, for example, blue and pink clothes, "boy toys" and "girl toys", or telling young girls that they are "pretty" and boys are "strong". It continues into adolescence and adulthood as social expectations of male and female expression and behaviour become more rigid.

Gender spectrum

But a gender does not simply exist in these binary terms; gender is rather a spectrum along which all people express and identify with masculinity and femininity to varying degrees. Transgender people identify along this spectrum, but also identify as a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth.

Gender identity

Gender identity and expression are central to the way we see ourselves and engage in the world around us. This is certainly true for transgender and gender non-conforming children and young people, for whom family support is absolutely crucial.

In fact, a growing body of social science research shows that gender-affirming behaviour by parents and other adults (teachers, grandparents, etc.) significantly improves mental health and well-being. The opposite is true for transgender children, who are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression and are at greater risk of substance abuse and homelessness if their immediate caregivers are rejecting or hostile.

Transgender children: gender stereotypes

There are still doctors and psychologists who advise parents to correct or even "punish" certain inclinations in their children. If boys like to play with girls' toys, like the colours pink and purple, or want to wear a princess nightgown to sleep, a frightening number of "experts" still advise taking away boys' feminine toys and insisting instead only on stereotypical boys' clothes, boys' toys and male playmates. Somewhat less often you find the situation reversed, but many parents try to stop their girls from playing with cars and having supposedly masculine hobbies. And they do this without regard for their children's feelings and what they are doing by this "correction".

Even as a child, it becomes apparent which sex is in the body

Many people, including so-called professionals, believe children cannot know they are transgender. They insist that it is impossible for a 4-year-old, 7-year-old, 11-year-old or even a 14-year-old to know that they are in the wrong body. As a result, the first hurdle any transgender child or youth has to overcome is convincing those around them that they are capable of knowing whether they feel like a boy or a girl, both or neither, regardless of their body parts.

A gender change is difficult for adults to accept

Once a young person has managed to convince their parents of their true feelings, despite the gender they were assigned at birth, the next hurdle awaits. A change of gender is still difficult for adults to come to terms with. It is not even about the physical gender change, just allowing their child to pretend to be a member of the opposite sex from now on is not easy to cope with. That this is still so difficult is solely due to society's perception of the issue.

Every person wants to be accepted as they are

All of us, whether as children or adults, want to be accepted by society. Each of us wants to be seen as who we really are, as we know ourselves to be. We want our identity to be recognised and valued by those around us, especially people who are important to us, people we love and who love us, our family.

We all long for free and easy interpersonal relationships. None of us wants to have to hide a part of ourselves. None of us wants to feel forced to choose between certain characteristics of our personality in order to be accepted. Transgender children and youth are no exception, they too long for carefree acceptance of their true personalities. When they do not see themselves accepted for who they are, it increasingly leads to depression, despair and hopelessness. The risk of depression, hopelessness and suicide among transgender youth is acute, especially when there is a lack of support and acceptance within their own families.

Everyone can help change society

The more social workers, psychologists, school counsellors, family therapists and other mental health professionals understand the truth of gender identity, the more society will learn about the experiences and needs of transgender youth and their families. Only then can we hope to not only prevent transgender youth from taking their own lives in the future, but also give them the opportunity to live happy and fulfilling lives as adults. The more families, teachers and youth workers know about how to teach acceptance and support for transgender youth, the greater the likelihood that these youth will become healthy, happy and productive adults. Each and every one of us can make a difference in this.

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Do not ask trans children to explain themselves

Never try to weigh reservations or prejudices with a transgender child. For the child, the matter is simple. And it doesn't feel the need to justify itself or to others. Nor should he be expected to; he is, after all, still a child. No child should ever feel devalued or have its existence questioned.

Family acceptance is important

Children's mental and physical health is affected when they feel that their family rejects their transgender identity. Transgender children who feel rejected by their family are more likely to commit suicide, develop depression, use illicit drugs and contract HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Talk openly with the child and other family members about transgender identity.
Show affection to the child when they tell you about their transgender identity.
Take the child to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or more (LGBTQ+) events or organisations.
Connect your child with an adult transgender role model to show options for the future.
Stand up for the child if they are being mistreated or bullied by someone else because of their transgender identity.
These behaviours can make the child feel rejected.