Most parents feel shocked, angry, hurt or betrayed when their child starts telling little lies. If a three-year-old child is caught committing a misdemeanour, the child denies all culpability and blames siblings, pets or even objects.

 

Instead of taking young children's first lies personally, they should be seen as part of their emotional and intellectual development. Lying does not mean that a child is developing behavioural problems, but actually plays an important and positive role in normal social development. Basic human skills such as independence, seeing a situation from different perspectives and emotional control require the same intellectual qualities as lying.

 

The development of lying

 

Until recently, it was believed that young children were always honest and unable to lie. However, it is now known that a child learns the ability to lie between the ages of 2 and 4. The discovery of lying marks a turning point in a child's development as they begin to understand that their own thinking is different from that of their parents.

Like everything else, a child learns to lie through its environment. The parents themselves teach the child in an almost imperceptible way to suppress the truth and honesty. For example, a child is encouraged to say thank you for a gift that it doesn't like and to feign pleasure, it learns not to speak openly about strangers and to choke down food that it doesn't like. In short, everything we understand by politeness and avoiding embarrassing situations is already a kind of dishonesty and shows the child that it is not always right to express their honest opinion. Children are taught that there is a fine line between being honest and being rude to other people.

 

From the age of 4, children lie for the same reasons as adults: to avoid punishment, to gain an advantage, to protect themselves against a guilty conscience and to boost their self-esteem. Lying is often also a demonstration of power or to protect a friend from punishment. By lying, the child tries to reconstruct a situation as it would have liked it to be.

 

The development of lying takes place in several stages. The first stage of lying is to achieve a goal through untruth, for example avoiding punishment or gaining the attention of the listener.

In one experiment, some two- and three-year-old children were placed in an empty room. A toy was placed behind their backs and they were told they were not allowed to turn round to see what it was. After 5 minutes, 90% of the children had turned round and looked at the toy. Of them, one third lied directly by saying they had not looked, while two thirds gave no answer.

 

At the age of 3, reality and fantasy get mixed up in the child's head. The child often starts by telling a true story and then embellishes it with lies and exaggerations as they would like. Even though children of this age are often successful with their lies, they are very bad liars because they have not yet learnt that the other person can consider the probability of a situation. As a result, they often lie when it is inappropriate or don't think about the fact that their lies can be uncovered.

 

A 4-year-old child already knows the difference between truth and lies and understands that it is wrong to lie. Therefore, they are very honest at this age and when they lie, it is obvious. However, as their cognitive abilities increase, they also learn to lie more skilfully. They already consider whether their listener can believe the story or not.

 

The experiment mentioned above was carried out with 4 to 6-year-old children who were already better able to control their curiosity. However, the children who did turn round lied more skilfully. Immediately after the forbidden turning round, the children had a rather dissatisfied expression on their faces, as they were aware that they had done something they were not allowed to do. When the experimenters came in, however, they put on a smile and pretended that they had done nothing.

 

A 5-year-old child understands the effect of a lie on the brain of a listener. They know that adults can recognise from experience whether their story is true or not.

 

Between the ages of 6 and 8, children have already developed a sophisticated lying behaviour. At this stage, children not only understand the content of a lie, but also the motive and the resulting consequences.

 

By the age of 10, most children are experienced and good liars. However, adults are no longer so easily seduced by the innocent face of a child.

 

When your own child lies

 

Lying is a way of getting what you want. This development is normal and healthy for children. If the child is criticised too much for small untruths, it thinks that it is not trusted. Forcing a child to admit to a lie does not necessarily achieve anything, as the child will be even less willing to tell the truth the next time. Pressure and scolding will not make children take responsibility for their behaviour.

The aim is to teach the child a sense of responsibility and morality in the long term. Although lying is an important part of development, it should not simply be ignored.

 

Strategies for developing children's honesty

 

What you expect from your child should be modelled for them. Adults are often so used to lying that they don't even realise how often they set an example. In order to raise a child to be trustworthy and responsible, parents must first be trustworthy and responsible themselves.

 

Never react to a lie with anger, but first take a deep breath. The calmer you are, the better you can talk to the child. First explain to the child that the behaviour was not right. Then the child should try to explain why it told the lie, but with patience and understanding, because children lie mainly to avoid anger and punishment.

 

To develop a conscience, the child should learn that lies can have consequences. It is best to use the lie to explain the consequences for the child and those around them of who they have hurt or disappointed with their lie. The important consequence of no longer believing a notorious liar, even if they are telling the truth, can also be understood by the child at an early age.

 

It is important to consider the goal behind the lie. For example, was it fear of punishment or of making a mistake and does the child feel ashamed or guilty? What did the child achieve or want to achieve for themselves with this lie?

 

If the child changes their version and voluntarily tells the truth, you should tell them how good this is so that they are encouraged to tell the truth next time.

 

Lying is sometimes also a sign that the child is trying to attract attention. In the long term, parents need to decide for themselves what their child is trying to achieve by lying and, if necessary, adjust the child's daily routine accordingly. Long-term strategies include going to bed at set times with a story read aloud, limited television viewing and frequent shared activities to make the child feel safe within the family.