A separation from a partnership is never nice. However, it gets worse when parents divorce and the children have to learn how to deal with their feelings. Even if the parents have enough problems during this time, the feelings of the children concerned must be taken very seriously. No matter how unpleasant it is to confess to the children that the parents have failed in the relationship, if they don't do this and clearly take the blame for the separation, the children will automatically think that they are to blame and have failed.

Divorce is difficult. The stress of separation, physical and emotional pain take their toll. However, the sad reality is that many parents are too preoccupied with their own difficulties that the children often feel abandoned and blame themselves. Children's feelings during a divorce need to be considered and nurtured as this can make a big difference to the stability of their feelings later in life. It is very common for children to blame themselves for their parents' separation. This feeling is so deeply rooted that they still feel guilty even in adulthood.

Both parents need to work on this in good time before the children start to blame themselves. Finding the right words, emotionally strengthening and reassuring the children and developing age-appropriate strategies against negative behaviour will not only help the children to deal with the divorce, but also the whole family in their future interactions.

Finding the right words
Finding the right words is always a challenge, whether for a moody teenager or a toddler. A life-changing event such as the separation of parents in the life of a carefree child brings their world crashing down and requires the right words to maintain a sense of security. The child needs someone they can open up to whenever they feel like it.
Both parents should talk to the children about the separation together. Otherwise, the child will feel obliged to take sides. The reasons for the separation must be disclosed to the child. If you try to protect the child from the real reasons, they will start to speculate and inevitably end up blaming themselves. The words must be chosen in such a way that the child can understand the reasons, depending on how old they are. Trying to protect the child often makes the situation worse. Children realise more than their parents think and they need to maintain a sense of honesty on the part of their parents.

As much as the children need answers, they also need to be heard in their own words and feelings. Parents must take the time to listen and give them the opportunity to express their distress at their parents' separation. The parents must try to see the situation from the children's point of view in order to understand them. In this way, everyone learns together how to deal with their feelings, discuss their fears and build a future.

How to talk to the child about the separation
Raising a topic as serious as divorce is a delicate matter. Experts recommend the following strategies for parents:

1. both parents tell the child together. Even if the problems in the partnership cannot be solved, they must still function together as parents.
2 Before the interview, the parents should prepare a plan. If the children are old enough, they will have practical questions, e.g. who is moving out, who will live where, etc.
3. no one should be blamed. The separation should be a mutual decision.
4. always tell the truth without burdening the child with unnecessary details. The children need to know that the parents have tried to solve their problems, but believe that living apart will be better for everyone involved.
5. the children need to feel loved and be reassured that they are not to blame. They also need to know that both parents will continue to be there for them in the future.
6. parents should make the children feel that their problems are just as important as the parents'. They should express anger, sadness and relief.

Promotion of positive behaviour
Painful experiences are often imitated by children in play, as they do not yet have the necessary maturity to analyse their feelings and put them into words. Even a two-year-old child is already trying to get attention through negative behaviour. Negative behaviour is usually expressed through sleep disorders, poor eating habits, bedwetting or speech disorders. Children of primary school age often show anger and aggression.
Younger children in particular need to feel safe and secure during this time. Anxiety, insecurity, lack of trust and lack of self-confidence can be caused when children witness marital disputes. To combat negative behaviour, children should be encouraged to talk about their feelings and thoughts. Parents should find the time to sit and play together with the children on a regular basis. Games that encourage the expression of feelings are useful. Younger children can do this by drawing pictures, older children can keep a diary.
There should also be rules and consistency during the separation period. The same rules of behaviour should apply as before. Bad behaviour is caused by insecurity and fear. Parents must work together to help their children. Divorce does not mean that one parent suddenly no longer has any responsibility towards the children.

Actively encourage the children
Whether a child displays aggressive behaviour or withdraws in order to deal with the separation of their parents, they need both reassurance and reinforcement in order to avoid developing feelings of guilt. When talking to children, parents must not show false pride, but must take responsibility for the failed relationship. Openly explaining the changes in their future lives also helps children to feel more secure. Changes should take place step by step so that the children have time to adjust gradually. The more changes take place at once, the more children show behavioural problems. The children still need normality in their lives. Positive things that have nothing to do with the separation should be encouraged. Praising positive behaviour or good grades at school gives children a reason to focus on something other than the impending separation. Even though this is a very difficult time for parents, they need to be there for their children and show them that they are loved and respected.